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JCW22	What would you do? - O/T	Lead	[-]
Posts: 3477 (01/07/2008 11:47:47) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Tags : None As many of you know, my ex's wife Margaret recently died and the funeral is next week. I have met her at many family occasions, but don't feel as though I know her terribly well. The family are planning a service to celebrate her life, so no black, and are displaying photos of her life in the church. We (me and the OH) will be sending flowers and a donation to her charity, but I really don't think I can attend the funeral. I feel this should be a 'family' affair and I would be intruding, even though I am still friendly with my ex. Needless to say my son and family will be there as Margaret spent a lot of time with them, and they are/were very fond of her. What would you advise? Jan (in a quandary!)
grandmaeunie		#1	[-]
Posts: 5755 (01/07/2008 12:01:04) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Hi Jan, I feel you have made the right decision. It would not show anything other than respect for the grieving family who choose to celebrate her life. You are sending flowers and making a donation to her charity and I'm sure that would be sufficient for the family to know you are aware of their loss without feeling "intrusive in anyway". EuniceX
nicolew		#2	[-]
Posts: 339 (01/07/2008 12:02:22) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Hi Jan, What a difficult decision to make. What I would do is have a word with your Ex explain your feelings and see what hw thinks tehn you cannot be accused of snubbing her (hope that's the right way to put it) then everything will stay on even ground. Arlene
Sassie		#3	[-]
Posts: 8668 (01/07/2008 12:19:20) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Jan, my beloved John had 2 ex wives with whom he had children with, I happily accepted that they had every right to be at his funeral to support their children. It was with thanks that I welcomed them for helping to shape him into the wonderful man I married and was so happy with. Could you have a chat with her bereaved partner to sound out their feelings on the matter. I recieved a lot of support from John's second ex-wife and her children, John's stepchildren have been more supportive to me than his own children. Please don't follow convention, but do what is right for your children and stepchildren, also remember that your hubby will still have feelings too, they were happy once apon a time and they have children together.
Tina		#4	[-]
Posts: 29908 (01/07/2008 12:26:47) Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I would agree with what you are already doing Jan. You are showing your respects with the flowers and donation but also showing concern and understanding that your prescence may be awkward for both them and yourself. Thinking of you whatever you decide to do. T xx
glitter and sparkle		#5	[-]
Posts: 343 (01/07/2008 13:46:52) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I agree with Sassie, it might be a good idea to go more so for the children than anything else. Your husband was married to her and if they had children together those children will want to know that he cares enough about them to go. It in some ways has nothing to do with who has died but who is left behind. (you can always be there but unobtrusive). Ask the children if they would like you to go even if its just to help look after their little ones.
jajaian		#6	[-]
Posts: 2501 (01/07/2008 14:13:28) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	i would be inclined to go with my gut feelings, if you are feeling uncomfortable about going........then don't jan x
orcadianprincess		#7	[-]
Posts: 1024 (01/07/2008 14:21:56) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I would ask your Ex and kids, explain what you had planned to do and why, you could also say you had thought about attending but were not sure it was appropriate. See what they say, at least that way you are showing the ultimate respect to all concerned and no one can mis-interpret what they think you might have meant by your actions. People can take things out of context or mis-interpret at times like this when no-one is thinking clearly. At least if you run it by them they will tell you how they feel, maybe they would like you there to lend support. Caroline
JCW22		#8	[-]
Posts: 3477 (01/07/2008 14:36:35) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	No other children are involved, other than mine and Margaret's before we remarried ie. no new children from second marriages. I don't know Margaret's children so this is also difficult! Jan
glitter and sparkle		#9	[-]
Posts: 343 (01/07/2008 15:44:00) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Sorry think i got mixed up with exs and stuff. As the only relationship you have is that she was your childrens step-mother then what your doing seems fine.
inkyfingers		#10	[-]
Posts: 828 (01/07/2008 16:40:41) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	If there was no animosity between you I see no reason for you not to attend the funeral. If there is a reason you don't want to go,ill health, say, there is nothing wrong with not going, but if it is only because you want to do what is right, going would be the best option. There may be a cultural difference, but here, everyone goes to a funeral - second cousins, work mates from years before, neighbours, relations of in laws - all celebrating a life that touched theirs. Alison
EuniceM		#11	[-]
Posts: 4432 (01/07/2008 21:01:46) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I went with my husband to his ex-wifes funeral, and his lovely son and grandson were glad we were there. Paul had only seen his ex wife purely by chance about 5 years ago and it was the one and only time that I met her, they had been divorced about 35 years. They shared a life and and a child together so there must have been many good times. See what your husband thinks but I see no reason for you not to be welcome to celebrate her life.
MrsLawson		#12	[-]
Posts: 4035 (01/07/2008 21:06:40) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I agree with Alison. I think you should go to pay your respects to her and to your ex and the family. Hazel
carole shehata		#13	[-]
Posts: 1506 (02/07/2008 09:29:22) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I would attend as you say she spent a lot of time with your children and they were very fond of her. Sometimes just being there is what matters. Condolences Carole

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